How to make a penis wand of glory

What has been missing in your life? A penis wand. Why? So you can hold it aloft and wave it in front of people's faces - and the general public - as you legally show off your amazing WoodHoods penis outfits (and they swallow their jealousy). The operative word there is "legally". Watch our video to learn how to make your own penis wand!

 

 

LT and I were running a couple of guerrilla campaigns in and around Brisbane to promote our company and product, WoodHoods – penis outfits for men. A WoodHoods guerrilla campaign essentially means attending a major event, donning an inflatable penis costume, running around handing out fliers and promoting WoodHoods without the event’s consent and getting kicked out by security.

We realised that for this to be a success, what was missing in our lives was a penis wand. A wand designed to hold aloft a wooden penis wearing our WoodHoods penis outfits. YES! I can make that, I thought, I can make the penis wand of our dreams into reality.

Luckily for me, I’m married to a Tradie (tradesman) with a shed full of tools. And with his guidance, I succeeded. Full disclosure – it was MY design, I’m the genius – but I am very thankful to him for teaching me how to handle his tools. Pun completely intended….

Now you too can create this amazing, magical, penis wand. Simply follow the instructions – and voila!
 
METHOD:

• A 25cm length of hardwood stick about 1.5cm in diameter
• 1-metre x 100 mm length of pine plywood at 7mm thick
• 2 timbre screw approx. 5 cm in length with teeth all the way to the head
• 1 timbre screw approx. 3cm in length
• 2 timbre screws approx. 1 cm in length
• Timbre glue
• Black spray paint (I used gloss but I recommend matte)
• 1 Drill
• 10 cm diameter Hole Saw
• 5 cm diameter Hole Saw
• Two clamps
• Gap Filler
• 1 low-grade sander
• 1 high-grade sander
• pencil

 
INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Use the 10cm Hole Saw to cut 2 discs from the pine plywood. I had to google what the round thing with teeth that you stick on your drill was called… a hole saw… so obvious. Lay the pine plywood down flat onto a work surface and use the clamps to hold it in place. Clamps help – trust me, watch the video and you’ll see.
2. Now use the 5cm Hole Saw without the drill bit to cut one 5cm disc out of the plywood ensuring once again that the plywood is firmly stuck to the workbench. This step is soooo not recommended! The issue is that you will need to drill the screw into the disc and if it has a hole in the centre from the drill bit, then the screw won’t screw. So my husband dangerously took the drill bit off which is the only thing that stabilises the Hole Saw, otherwise, the hole saw is prone to jump and skip in any direction. You can imagine my anxiety as he cut into the plank of wood, crotch region dangerously close to the hole saw. I kept on shouting out,” please protect your balls!”
3. Use the low-grade sandpaper to sand off any sharp bits of wood stuck to the edges of your discs. I only just learnt what the numbers meant on the back of sandpaper.
4. Find the centre of the discs and the centre of the base of the stick and mark it with a pencil. Place the centre of one 10 cm disc perpendicular to the end of the stick, use the 5cm screw and drill the two parts together.
5. Now using the glue, stick the 10cm and 5cm discs together, ensuring 100% glue coverage on both discs and inside the centre hole. Use clamps if you can to keep them together and drill the 5cm screw through the largest disc and out the centre of the smallest disc, the screw should be sticking out. Add more glue around the screw for good measure.
6. Leave these parts clamped down and left to dry overnight.
7. Now use the two short screws to join the two parts together. Ensure you are gentle as the plywood is prone to break. I was not gentle – I broke the plywood. Screw from the underside of the wand, which is the side of the stick.
8. Smooth out the edges of the discs using gap filler. The aim is to see no separation between the two discs. Leave to dry. Gap filler is fun.
9. Use the high-grade sandpaper to smooth out the gap filler, this is now ready to paint!
10. Now any professional would recommend using a primer before painting – but we all know this is no professional job – so choose whatever colour takes your fancy and spray paint away. Leave to dry. I recommend to not use gloss paint as it tends to stick to too many things even after it’s supposed to be dry.
11. You now have a wand ready to stick onto it whatever takes your fancy. It could be a wooden penis with a WoodHoods penis outfit like ours, it could be a piece of fruit, it could be your favourite toy? With the last remaining screw and the drill, walk around the house and drill a hole onto anything you want, and once done, screw it atop your marvelous, magical penis wand.

 
Disclaimer: WoodHoods is not a professional woodworking company and cannot provide any advice regarding the safe conduct of any woodworking project or the use of power tools. We are not responsible or liable in any manner for any injury including death caused by following these instructions. It is your responsibility to know how to safely handle and use power tools, to wear all necessary protective gear and to be supervised by a professional.